I cannot express in words the complete joy I have in this present moment. Life has definitely been good to me. I passed my boards examination, making me nationally certified as a clinical nurse specialist, on Saturday. I hosted a house(warming) partay that evening at my swanky, new, awesome apartment, and my swimming pool and apartment were filled with friends and good eats. I play on Sundays at Zilker park with hippies... hula hooping, indo boarding, partner/acro yoga, dancing, and enjoying the 100 degree weather by splashing in Barton Springs. Today I started my new job at Austin Heart... I am a mid-level provider working with the awesome cardiologist, Dr. Bhatt... my dream job!!! My love for John only grows stronger as the days go by... we are 1 year and 3 months old. Dang, how did I manage to land the good life???

When I was younger, I felt like I was bird whose wings were held down by weights. Stress, frustration, injustice, fear, anger, sadness, jealousy... not no mo'. I've learned to forgive and forget, learn from mistakes, embrace the unknown, love your enemies. Love myself. Catholic confirmation class, church, John, and yoga have tremendously helped and continue to help me deal along the way. With each realization, those weights slowly lifted, and now I can fly.

I'm free! Free as a bird!!! Thank you God for this amazing gift of life, for my friends, my family, and all of the blessings. I am forever grateful.


Namaste.

I have realized that I am a "victim" of many one-sided relationships. One-sided meaning that I am often, if not always, the one to invite the other to parties, dinner, events, camping, etc., and the other side does not return the favor. Yet, I continue to invite in hopes that maybe someday we'll meet up, or maybe sometime you'd invite me to shindigs, a movie night, to hang out, dinner...

This is not the majority of my relationships with friends, rather a select few. It irks me to think that I am the one holding this relationship together, if you even want to call it that. After numerous invites to those friends without return of favor or even an acknowledgement of an invite via email, text, phone, call, message, I eventually stop trying.

WHY do I think this??? and WHOSE loss is this? Theirs? No, not really. In fact, they don't even know that anything was lost. It's mine. I hold on to this relationship like we're still good friends, but this "good friends" term ended a long time ago when you stopped caring. We become Facebook friends. That's about it.

I notice a trend in my life: I continue to hold onto the past, and end in disappointment. Well, no longer. I have given up on a few... and I just don't invite you anymore. I got the impression, with time and trying, that maybe this friendship wasn't worth your time.

My most recent encounter on this was during my Bday/Grad/Confirmation party. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate and loved all of the Facebook congrats and thank you all dearly. Really, it means a lot for you all to think of me and comment, especially if you're far off somewhere and we rarely talk anymore. What annoyed me though was people who I thought were good friends of mine turned out to not be... realization of this through their updates on FB during my celebration days. Eating tacos, drinking coffee, and "getting distracted" with something (or, ahem, someone) doesn't justify missing something that was important to me. Going kayaking with your girlfriend instead of celebrating a special occasion with me isn't an excuse. All of these things could've been done another day, especially since I extended the invitation to all, girlfriends and friends included, AND I celebrated on TWO weekends.

"Expect nothing, appreciate everything." I have no expectations of friends such as these now. If we meet up, swell. If we don't, no big loss. I wasn't that important to you anyway.

And now, a haiku to express this all:

Friendships now distant
Forget, to live your own life
Don't need me in it.

This must be one of my ultimate tests of patience. Life is great, and it couldn't be better right now. Except for one thing...

"The greatest thing you will ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return."

Love is such a powerful concept. We are taught to love one another, love your neighbor as you love yourself. Expressions of love vary from "I miss you," "I love you," "I need you," a hug, a kiss, a thoughtful smile, a kind gesture, an email, a phone call...

Yet love can also push someone away. I've experienced this in all aspects. I've been pushed away one too many times to understand this side of the coin, and it really really hurts. However, true friends and family issues have resolved with time and effort. In bf/gf relationships though, this is not the end result. I do not talk to any of my exes, but it wasn't my choice. It was theirs. I kept the lines of communication completely open. I email, call, tell mutual friends how I feels in hopes that maybe some of my emotion relays to him. Soon you realize that it has been all one sided, that you're a fool for trying so hard, and question whether this relationship is even worth it to him anymore.

True love, whether it be a gf/bf relationship, friend, or family is unconditional for me. You may get mad or upset at the other, but forgiveness stems from that unconditional love.

I am definitely not one to push someone I love away. I'm sure a huge part of this is my personality, but I absolutely HATE not being acknowledged, especially from someone who claimed they love or once loved me. It entertains the idea that this really wasn't love at all, just a "cared for" or a "really really liked you" relationship. It wasn't through good times and bad, thick and thin, sickness and health. I'm not talking about marriage by any means, but the same vows can apply to your friends, family, significant others, pets, etc. To ignore, de-friend, avoid, and create awkwardness in this once "loving" relationship completely devalues the word.

People should stop throwing that word around. I know in my own heart that to love and be loved are the best feelings in the world, if not the greatest. Don't say it to just anyone, especially in a relationship. I've had been in 4 serious relationships now where I've said those words, "I love you," and I meant it with all my heart. 3 weren't meant to last forever, but I don't regret the relationship, and I don't regret loving them. Regardless of whether we are or were once in a relationship, we're just friends or we're family, I still mean it. I will love you regardless of what happens. I will think of you whether we are together or apart. I will forgive you if you want to be forgiven. I will be there at a drop of a hat in your time of need.

If only you were to do the same.

I will continue to mull over this idea that love can be fleeting, but I'm not too sure I'll buy into this notion anytime soon.

The PlasmaCar!!! It's awesome! My Birthday is coming up...

http://www.plasmacar.com/store/customer/index.php

Wow, hello Xanga. Long time, eh? I decided that after many months of not blogging, it's time for a little update on my life? Ready? Here goes:

I finished my third semester in grad school. Not as great as I had hoped... I made an 'A' in two of my classes, and a 'B' in my other. Lame since I have been trying to make all 'A's since I started college. It's always that one class that seems to fuck up my dream! Ha! Anyway, I've come to terms at how the semester went. I absolutely love my clinicals this semester, half of which was rounding at Brack with the medical teams and the other half with an awesome doc at Austin Heart. I fortunately will get to round with him again next semester... BIG SCORE!

I didn't get to run that marathon John and I were training for in November. C'est la vie. It's mainly school's fault. With John's busy schedule of working full-time and schoolin part-time, as well as my full-time school and part-time work, there wasn't much time. Plus, I was getting tired of running, especially the 20-milers. I think I made it to 15 miles once. It's ok though, there will be plenty of time in the future to run me a marathon or two, or even an ultramarathon. I haven't biked or swam in months! I think the last time was in July when I did the Couple's Tri with Alan. From then on, it has been rock climbing, yoga, running, and going to the gym to have that "feel good" feeling. Now that the semester is over, it's time get back in to my daily habits of working out!

Speaking of John and I, today we are 7 months young. Man, I love him so much. I don't think I've ever found anyone who is a better match for me. He takes care of me and loves me like none other. The best part is I don't feel tied down or have to suppress feelings at all. I'm a free spirit! He has met my family, and I they absolutely love him. I've met his family, and I love them too. I'll be spending the week before Christmas in Arkansas, and John's going to be at my house for Christmas. Then we'll be going camping for 4 days to celebrate New Year's! Freakin awesome.

My bro graduated from UT last Saturday. Parents are doing well, but I can definitely see them aging every time I go home. They're still fighting the good fight though.

I was reading the past few entries of mine, and man, I was going through some rough times. Needless to say, I pulled through, but I still wish for the same stuff: that Brian and I were able to be in the same room with mutual friends and it be OK, and that there wasn't this division of friends that I feel now because of our breakup. I think with time it'll be better, but in the meantime, I'm handling it all very well. Andrew has a girlfriend now, in fact, and I'm truly happy for him. I don't think he could've chosen a better match for himself either.

I'm going to have dinner with John tonight at one of my favorite restaurants, there's a Potluck/White Elephant party that we're hosting tomorrow, and a lot more family and friends time the rest of this month. AND, it's beginning to look at lot like Christmas! There was snow/sleet/ice on our cars and rooftops this morning.

Happy holidays everyone!

I've not written in this thing for over a month. Granted I've gotten lazy about it... but the main reason why is because words cannot express how much I miss your company and friendship. Sure, there is someone new. But I've figured out this is for the best, although it was one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make.

I go through the days wishing you were here hanging out, just like old times. I miss seeing you happy. Perhaps you are now, but I can't even be happy there with you... see you on your bike, in your new car, accomplishments with work, boppin your head to new beats of a new cd.... not anymore. I continue to think of you and hear of your newfound joys....  from afar. This is what gets me.

I cherish the memories we had, and I wish we could make more. I am trying to be patient and see where the road takes us. I pray that things will eventually be better between us, despite you basically telling me to fuck off. "Have a good life. You don't need me in it." It doesn't make things any easier. It all makes me very sad.

I mean, how can I forget you?

You.

I think this is the only thing right now that gets me down. I have a good life. I have yoga and climbing and triathlon and guitar and piano and books and music and art and cooking and salsa.... I have wonderful friends. I'm enjoying what I'm doing career wise. I have a supportive family. I have someone who loves me and shares my values.

Anyway, off to camping for the weekend. It should be a good trip. Time to clear my head and make some good memories.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...

I jumped out of a plane on Saturday! Fockin b'ass (badass).

Fotos pronto.

Brian and I saw Lord of the Dance last night. I had bought us tickets a few weeks before we broke up (yeah, I had planned on this in advance. hah). Regardless of us not being a couple, we went together. The show was ridiculous, but entertaining. A good night.

Also that evening, there were more tears. More tears because he treated me like a friend, still. After seeing him Tuesday night and relinquishing those emotions that I put away since last Friday, I had some small hope that he changed his mind about us and wanted to give it a go again. Honestly, can you blame me for thinking this way? It was all very confusing since Tuesday.

We had another good talk. This was a good one. We BOTH agreed that staying friends is the absolute best thing for both of us. Period. No exceptions right now. Probably no exceptions, ever. I honestly accept this, too.

We hugged it out. A warm, comforting embrace. It was amazing. Truly wonderful and perfect. Nothing has ever felt better.

I left his house with a smile. I actually left happy, with a complete turnaround in how I viewed things, too. I knew that we can still camp and talk and go out and play pool and eat dinner together and hug and laugh and play backgammon and hike and bike and whatever... but solamente amigos. Best friends, nothing more.

I will definitely miss Brian's kisses, his touch, the way he looked at me, and all of those quirks that I only knew. It's all fond memories now. With that said, I can only imagine all of the wonderful memories we'll make in the future.



In other news,
fockin TGIF!

I was having a tolerable week since Brian and I broke up last Sunday. Things definitely got better after Tuesday because I was really busy on Weds, Thurs, and Fri with school related things and scheduled appointments.

Friday evening was promising too. The guys and I went to play pool, Brian included. However, like I got frustrated with pool, which is something that happens from time to time when I'm not making the easy shots... and I guess I was kinda relying on Brian to make things a little less serious for me and make me feel better. No such luck. I mean, he saw I was upset, he sat next to me for few minutes, no words were spoken, and it felt nice. It didn't feel like enough though. For the rest of the night, I felt like he was ignoring me. I mean he talked more with the guys, not even a quick glance my way or a smile. I felt really upset... at this moment I felt like I was being treated like even less than "just a friend." I mean, we agreed to stay friends and all, but this wasn't what I had hoped for.

We ended the night traditionally by going to the nearby donut place, and even then, I felt ignored. He didn't even care that I was sad, it seemed. We drive back to JoonHao and Will's place, and I start bawling in the car. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I cried. He got more upset. He said he didn't want to be with me, ever. No chance anymore. I felt like I blew it.

Why do I feel like I just let this awesome relationship go? I honestly feel like I've made a mistake. This is a different feeling from when Andrew and I broke up. I knew Andrew and I weren't meant to be by the time we ended things. However, I don't feel the same way here with Brian. Maybe because I love him so so much, and we have so much fun together. We compliment each other well, and he's a positive influence in my life. Why ruin a wonderful thing??? It's frustrating when you feel like you've made a terrible, terrible mistake, and you can't fix it now. Brian said it's over, and I'm not ready to accept that.

I ended up spending the night at JoonHao and Will's. We talked until 4:30. I woke up at 6:50. It was a restless sleep. I got in my car, called Brian, and asked if I could come over. He reluctantly agreed. We talked. I really just wanted a hug from him. I warm comforting hug. No one else could really make me feel better. From Friday night's fiasco, I understand that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. That doesn't mean he doesn't care or love me still. It's alright for me to still have feelings too. I left his place with a smile and felt confident that we would be OK. Really, if on Friday night he had said that everything is going to be alright and gave me a hug like he did on Saturday morning, I wouldn't have felt so incredibly depressed on Friday. Oh well.... I can't really take that night back now.

Anyway, the rest of the weekend went surprisingly well. Despite my 2 hr (if that) sleep on Friday night, I managed to have some fun. I also suppose nothing could've been worse than Friday night. But yeah, on Saturday, I volunteered at a rock climbing competition (awesome, amazing kids!), then went to Zach's crawfish boil, then had and awesome time downtown with friends, complete with dancing on top of the bar and singing at Pete's Piano bar. Sunday I went biking with JoonHao and Zach, climbed at Seismic, then watched Super Happy Fun Monkey Bash at the Alamo. I saw Brian on Sunday, and it was nothing like Friday night. It felt really good. He showed he cared. I felt cared for, and it really made me happy.

I am definitely not over Brian, and I am trying to cope the best way I can: being out with friends, occupying myself with school, work, hanging out, yoga, climbing, exercising, other outdoorsy things. Brian and I still talk though, either online and occasionally on the phone pretty much every day since we've broken up. We check up on each other. It's comforting to know he's still there and still cares. I certainly care about him.

I really don't what will happen in the future with us, and I'm trying my hardest not to expect anything because that may lead to more disappointment. I just hope that he rethinks everything I've said about our differences, remembers all of the wonderful things about our relationship, and that I still love him and would give anything for another chance at working things out.

In the meantime, I am trying not to rely on him or anyone. So yeah, if you're in the area and want to hang out, I am def down!!!

Today I work. I'm going to yoga beforehand too. The rest of the week should be better than the last.

Have a good day everyone! Thanks again.

i wish i could sleep.